It has been a stupidly long time since I posted due to a metric heck ton of poop I got dumped onto myself over the past few months. Now, some of it was self-induced so it isn't really any excuse that I broke my promise to myself that I would type something up here no matter what happened. I am learning however not to beat myself up horribly on these things at least and since it is good to get things out on a page and away from my mind I am going to give this another try. I won't get into what was happening that made it so I didn't have a fiber in my body that wanted to post but I will let whoever bothers to read this know the gist of what was in that heap of poop.
- A break-up
- Scary online dating experience
- Finding out I may lose my job thanks to a corporate acquisition
- General fibromyalgia induced depression and pain
- Winter destroyed my greenhouse
- Therapy doesn't work for me
Though all this crazy junk is happening right now in my life, I am still really hopeful that great things are still yet to happen in my life. It feels really weird for me to say it since I am pretty bummed out about all of this stuff and have a sense of impending doom looming in my stomach but I actually feel like these terrible things are helping me grow a lot. For the first time in a long, long time I've had to sit down and force myself to really think thru everything even if it brings me to tears. I've spent hours crying, nights totally sleepless, and my days handling the nit-picky system changes testers bark at me to make. This all while starting up university again and feeling like every bone, muscle and cell in my body has been dipped in kerosene and set on fire. When I think about all this, I realize something absolutely amazing...that I am somehow still here. I made a choice to move away from bad situations. I am not at risk of losing my job because I did something wrong. I am not thinking about self-terminating or dosing up on medications anymore because I forced myself to accept myself illness and all. When we hit what feels like rock bottom, I've found myself given two options give up or figure it out. I don't have answers, I know I'll inevitably screw something up but even though I am displaced and retreating back down the hole, I reckon I can still figure out how to crawl back out. Not sure what my point was in typing this out to post...but anyway I am going to try my best!
